Key To Happiness
by rainbowsandsunshine123
Summary: An explanation of Ben's feelings for Amy and his inability to let her go. BenxAmy


**So I did something like this a few months ago, where I wrote something in Ben's perspective regarding his relationship with Amy. And I really enjoyed writing it, at the time I was really frustrated with how things were going for him, so it really helped me in a away to write that, those were basically my thoughts in the way I felt Ben would put them. **

**But now I'm kind of excited about these last few episodes. I know they're going to touch upon Ben and Amy's relationship. Now I don't know if I think that they'll end up together, but I'm happy that they're finally going to acknowledge their past relationship after all these seasons. Whether people like it or not Ben and Amy were the first couple to be introduced and I feel like they essentially are a basis of the entire show and their story needs to be addressed. **

**I know that was a long rant but I just feel the need to put that all out there. I don't think this is going to be very long, but I think it'll be a little more positive than my last one shot from Ben's P.O.V.**

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Driving home after dropping Ethan off at the airport, I couldn't help but break out into a huge smile. I was proud of what I did for him. I was happy that I was able to help him try to stop the girl that he loved from leaving him. I know that he loves her, from the smile that sweeps his face whenever he talks about her to the look of absolute devastation when he brought up her leaving.

When Ethan had approached me this morning informing me of Kathy's departure and his failure to convince her to let him go with her I instantly thought back to a time when I was put in a similar situation, a time that seemed so long ago, a time that I hadn't though about in a very long time. Three years ago, which in reality seems like three decades ago, I had been just as heartbroken when Amy had announced that she would be leaving to go stay with her grandmother while she had the baby. Like Ethan I had begged her to stay, begged her to not leave me. I could relate to the pain he was going through, hell I had experienced it in a worse degree myself. So I did what I wished someone would have done for me, I helped him gain another chance to stop her, to help him make sure that she didn't leave from his life.

Because honestly Kathy and Ethan remind me of Amy and I during freshmen year of high school. Because Kathy and Ethan are Amy and I from high school. The only difference is that Ethan is stronger than I ever was at that age. He fights for what he wants and he doesn't give up, and I wonder what may have happened if I had had enough strength and determination to do the same.

But it's been a long time since that was Amy and I. And I've been through a lot since than. I'd gotten Adrian pregnant, I'd married Adrian, and I'd lost a baby with Adrian. But through all that one girl has forever been on my mind. Through all that one girl has kept me from giving in to all that. And yeah people may think I'm crazy; heck people do think I'm crazy. They think I'm crazy for still pining over the same girl over and over again. They think I'm crazy for going after an engaged woman. And they think I'm crazy for loving a girl who may not have loved me as much as I loved her. But those people don't know what it feels like. Those people haven't been through what I've been through. They haven't endured what I've endured.

Because for me Amy isn't just the first girl I dated or my first kiss. Because for me Amy is more than just my first love. As crazy and ironic as it sounds she represents the way I wanted my life to turn out, even though she may also be the reason why it turned out the way it did.

First day of freshmen year, the minute Alice had pointed her out I was smitten. Now I have to admit, my sudden infatuation with her may have had something to do with her failing to notice me at first. But it became more than that. In fact I'm actually glad she didn't acknowledge my presence at first. That's what provided me with the determination and dedication to go after her, to not stop until I had her. It's what allowed me to get to know her and have the privilege of loving her.

And like I've said many times before to many different people, I didn't care she was pregnant. I was already too in love with her for it to matter or change my opinion on our growing relationship. And no, I wasn't angry that she had waited to tell me of her having a baby. Because that just helps prove that I was more than a financial source for her. She didn't tell me because she didn't want to lose me. And hell, people also forget that she had even considered an abortion, one of the main reasons being that she wanted to keep me around.

And those are the reasons why I don't listen to the things people say about my relationship with her. I don't believe them when they tell me I was nothing more than a convenience for her. Because they weren't a part of our relationship from the beginning. They didn't feel what I felt; they didn't experience what I felt. They didn't love like we did.

Those first few months of our relationship were some of the best of my life, and they probably always will be. Amy made me a smile, she made me laugh, and she drove me crazy. All of which I had trouble doing after my mother died. And no, I didn't transfer all of the feelings of loss from my mother's death onto her. But after a really long time, Amy gave me a reason to be joyful; she gave me a reason to want to continue loving life.

I'm the kind of person who wants to live life with a purpose. And up until now I was the kind of person who wanted to go through life just to help people. And being with Amy gave me a purpose. Whether it was to be a good boyfriend, fiancé, husband, or even father to her baby. I felt like she needed me, even know maybe she didn't, it made me feel important. And at the same time it didn't feel like she was just using me. She never asked for the things I did for her. I did them because I loved her and I wanted to do something that would help her out in any way. She didn't tell me to get a job or propose to her. She didn't tell me to step up and try to be a father to her son. In fact she had informed numerous times that it wasn't my responsibility. I did all of that because of my love for her. Any maybe for any other fifteen year old having a girlfriend in that situation would be a hassle, would be difficult, and just not worth it. Not for me it was, all of those things made me who I was, doing all of those things for her made me extremely happy. And what really paid off at the end as when she told me how much she appreciated all that I did for her. That meant more to me than anything, I didn't do it so that I would receive some sort of gratification from her. So it was great to know how much she appreciated it and me.

And again I admit after John was born, our relationship went through its ups and downs. But thinking about it now I can understand why Amy acted like she did. She was a new mother in high school. Things obviously weren't easy for her. And for the people that think I was a fool to stay with her even after the way she treated me at that time, the thing was she didn't only act like that around me. She was a bitch to everyone, once again that was totally understandable considering the circumstances.

And again one of the things I regret the most is the fling with Maria. But then again I don't regret it. Yes, it ultimately caused Amy and I to break up. But I feel like we needed that break from each other. We needed to know what it was like to be away from each other so that we could both realize how much we needed one another.

In that time we both went through a lot. In that time, things went horribly wrong. That was the time that essentially changed our lives and transformed them into what they are now. Into who we are now.

That was when Ricky kissed Amy. And that was when I made the biggest mistake of my life and slept with Adrian.

I was angry. All my fears had come true. The one thing that I had been scared of throughout the whole course of our relationship had been the threat of something happening between Amy and Ricky. And at that time it had finally happened. I wanted to hurt Amy and Ricky like they had hurt me. I knew how much Ricky loved Adrian and I knew how insecure Amy had been about my friendship with Adrian. It was the perfect way to hurt the both of them. But in the end it ended up hurting Adrian and me even more.

After we lost the baby Adrian set her sights on Ricky again. And when that failed she settled down with that Omar guy. Not because she got over Ricky, but because she knew she couldnt have him. And I honestly believe had that thing between Adrian and me not happened she and Ricky would probably still have something going on. They never could stay away from each other.

As for Amy and me even after the whole Ricky and Adrian thing we managed to make it work one last time. And that last time was the best time of our relationship. I was truly happy and so was Amy. At that point in our relationship I honestly believed that Amy and me would be together forever. I believed that we were meant to be together forever. But then fate had to intervene one again and ruin my life. I had gotten Adrian pregnant.

And many have said that it was hypocritical for Amy to break up with just for that, when I had stayed with her for the duration of her pregnancy. But when I saw the look on her face after she heard the news I knew that I had truly broken her. With me Amy never had to expect anything like that. She could depend on me knowing that I would always be hers and that I would never leave her. But that revelation had left her heartbroken. And I think it killed her belief. And that's why she ran into Ricky's arms. Since her expectations for me had failed her than what was the use of denying that there could ever be anything between the two of them. She knew that I wanted to work on my relationship with Adrian for the sake of my baby. So she decided to do the same thing with Ricky for John. And she found that she could be happy. But I don't think she's in love with him, and I don't think she ever was. And she's beginning to realize that now.

The old Amy is beginning to come out. The Amy that she was before she got pregnant. I also see the Amy that I was with. The one that was dependent and believed that she could do anything without the help of anyone. The Amy that was so stubborn and never gave up trying to get what she wanted. I see the Amy that I fell in love with.

And through all that she and her problems put me through, I can't give up on her. Being with her gave me a glimpse into a future filled with happiness. She was the only girl who truly wanted to be with me, who wanted to marry me, who viewed me as her future husband. Even Adrian, who I was married to, didn't see me as that.

At the beginning of my freshmen year I was innocent, unmarked by the horrible events of life, with a clean slate. The only grief that I carried around was that of my mother's death. And being with Amy lessened that slightly. And maybe I am in love with the idea of first love, or maybe Amy really is my one true love. I don't know. All that I know is that I love her. And that doesn't feel like its going be going away anytime soon. And now that I see the old her peeping through I want her even more. Like I said being with Amy was the only time I could foresee myself being happy, and after all that I've been through these last three and a half years of high school I need that. I need to know that I can be happy again.

Over these past couple of years I've been carrying around the grief of the death of my daughter, the disintegration of my relationship with my father, and the girl that I love marrying someone else.

I won't ever be able to get over Amy or forget about her until I can be with her again. After all these years I need to know if the happiness that I felt when I was with her is real even know. Because right now it seems as though she is the key to my happiness.

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**So I don't know where that came from. I wrote this at like the beginning of the second half of the season and never got around to finishing it until now. I hope you guys liked it. Let me know what you thought!**


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